Feelings for tonight? I feel guilty and very sad !
WHY?! ...
When I came home just now, Dad told me to sit down and he talked to me. He told things that rip my heart apart ... When I was away for the past 1 year, sometimes he saw my mommy crying looking at my pictures and everyday she will pack and clean my room even though I am not using it. I was stunned , like totally. At that instant, I really felt that I have done the worse decision of my life and that was to choose this career.
The reason I chosen this Course/Career was because I know this line can fetch more money for my family. I remembered when I told them when I first entered this course, they were cool about it, they asked me if it was something I want to do and I replied 'YES'. So they said as long as I am happy, they are alright. And also because this course was also offering a Scholarship, at that point of time I just wanted not to depend on my dad anymore if I can, because he always make a lot noise.
I wanted freedom, I wanted to break free, I wanted my life. So I chosen this path. But I didn't know I will cause so much pain and agony to my mom. I really cannot imagine my mom, will look at my pictures and cry, I mean she always look very strong even though we have some family problems all these years. When I try to image her face, I just couldn't help but cry. I feel so bad, I feel so gulity. Her only child wasn't able to be by her side. But deep in my heart, I wanted to say, "You think only she is the only one that feel so much pain and agony missing me, you think I like to be away?!" I also suffered a lot, not only I suffered mentally from missing them and my friends, I also suffered physically. You think it is sooooooo easy to live on a ship? Do anyone have any idea what I went through? You think it is a HOLIDAY CRUISE, where I eat and sleep everyday? I have done the most dirty job I ever done, I have falls and injuries I couldn't say, I have been scolded and insulted ways you have never been, I have nights where I don't even have time to rest not even sleep and yet no one pity me I still work, I have times where I missed everything and everyone but there is nothing I can do, I have times where I was so homesick I use my pillow to cover my face and cry to sleep,I have times where I blamed for the things I didn't do but I cannot even speak a word but to accept it, I have times where I have so much stress that I could not cope even I might lose my career but who else can I turn to? I am seriously fed up, everyone including my Cliques thinks I was on a holiday camp but who really understands what I have gone through? All that everyone seen was only the good side I was trying to project, but have you seen the worse part? This is not some holiday army camp, this is my career now, this has become my life, my blood at least for the next 10 to 15 years.
All I wanted was the family to have a better life, all I wanted is a better life for myself. I am not some rich guy who is born and my parents own a whole corporation that will be mine one day. I have use my hands to earn a living, I have to pave my own road. One day, I will make enough money to FUCK this world, this disgusting society, this pathetic life I have. One day, I will tell everyone, the life I have is pave using my own hands.
There are many things I couldn't say, not even to my closest friends, maybe some. For your info, if you think I have grown up and lived a very happy and comfortable life, then you don't know the real me. What you see, is what I want you to see. Because I don't want to ruin my image, my projection I was trying to project all these years. I don't want people to look down on me. I am a person with tons of pride and ego. There are things that are very hard for me to say, it is not so easy, not I don't want but I don't know how. This is me, I hope everyone understands.
WHY?! ...
When I came home just now, Dad told me to sit down and he talked to me. He told things that rip my heart apart ... When I was away for the past 1 year, sometimes he saw my mommy crying looking at my pictures and everyday she will pack and clean my room even though I am not using it. I was stunned , like totally. At that instant, I really felt that I have done the worse decision of my life and that was to choose this career.
The reason I chosen this Course/Career was because I know this line can fetch more money for my family. I remembered when I told them when I first entered this course, they were cool about it, they asked me if it was something I want to do and I replied 'YES'. So they said as long as I am happy, they are alright. And also because this course was also offering a Scholarship, at that point of time I just wanted not to depend on my dad anymore if I can, because he always make a lot noise.
I wanted freedom, I wanted to break free, I wanted my life. So I chosen this path. But I didn't know I will cause so much pain and agony to my mom. I really cannot imagine my mom, will look at my pictures and cry, I mean she always look very strong even though we have some family problems all these years. When I try to image her face, I just couldn't help but cry. I feel so bad, I feel so gulity. Her only child wasn't able to be by her side. But deep in my heart, I wanted to say, "You think only she is the only one that feel so much pain and agony missing me, you think I like to be away?!" I also suffered a lot, not only I suffered mentally from missing them and my friends, I also suffered physically. You think it is sooooooo easy to live on a ship? Do anyone have any idea what I went through? You think it is a HOLIDAY CRUISE, where I eat and sleep everyday? I have done the most dirty job I ever done, I have falls and injuries I couldn't say, I have been scolded and insulted ways you have never been, I have nights where I don't even have time to rest not even sleep and yet no one pity me I still work, I have times where I missed everything and everyone but there is nothing I can do, I have times where I was so homesick I use my pillow to cover my face and cry to sleep,I have times where I blamed for the things I didn't do but I cannot even speak a word but to accept it, I have times where I have so much stress that I could not cope even I might lose my career but who else can I turn to? I am seriously fed up, everyone including my Cliques thinks I was on a holiday camp but who really understands what I have gone through? All that everyone seen was only the good side I was trying to project, but have you seen the worse part? This is not some holiday army camp, this is my career now, this has become my life, my blood at least for the next 10 to 15 years.
All I wanted was the family to have a better life, all I wanted is a better life for myself. I am not some rich guy who is born and my parents own a whole corporation that will be mine one day. I have use my hands to earn a living, I have to pave my own road. One day, I will make enough money to FUCK this world, this disgusting society, this pathetic life I have. One day, I will tell everyone, the life I have is pave using my own hands.
There are many things I couldn't say, not even to my closest friends, maybe some. For your info, if you think I have grown up and lived a very happy and comfortable life, then you don't know the real me. What you see, is what I want you to see. Because I don't want to ruin my image, my projection I was trying to project all these years. I don't want people to look down on me. I am a person with tons of pride and ego. There are things that are very hard for me to say, it is not so easy, not I don't want but I don't know how. This is me, I hope everyone understands.
Life is fair, you gain some, you lose some. It is the balance of life.
Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.
All I can say is be grateful to your parents everyday, in everything you do, NEVER disappoint them.
Learn to treasure the things you have rather than complain.
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